it’s been hovering all month…
five years ago…July 27th…
I remember the day…
I can still taste it…
we capture moments in our memory…
we frame them…
in some way…
the way we want them to be…
It was after dinner.
You were talking to me across the table
about something or other,
a greyhound you had seen that day
or a song you liked,
and I was looking past you
over your bare shoulder
at the three oranges lying
on the kitchen counter
next to the small electric bean grinder,
which was also orange,
and the orange and white cruets for vinegar and oil.
All of which converged
into a random still life,
so fastened together by the hasp of color,
and so fixed behind the animated
foreground of your
talking and smiling,
gesturing and pouring wine,
and the camber of your shoulders
that I could feel it being painted within me,
brushed on the wall of my skull,
while the tone of your voice
lifted and fell in its flight,
and the three oranges
remained fixed on the counter
the way that stars are said
to be fixed in the universe.
Then all of the moments of the past
began to line up behind that moment
and all of the moments to come
assembled in front of it in a long row,
giving me reason to believe
that this was a moment I had rescued
from millions that rush out of sight
into a darkness behind the eyes.
Even after I have forgotten what year it is,
my middle name,
and the meaning of money,
I will still carry in my pocket
the small coin of that moment,
minted in the kingdom
that we pace through every day.
This much I do Remember Billy Collins
maybe this is the way we need them to be…
for our own comfort…
in order to continue…
to allow life to carry us forward…
they become our legends….
we remember what we want to remember….
based on who we want to be…
how we want to define our own lives…
our lives, in many ways, depend on them…
or at very least, count on them to keep us ‘safe’ for a while…
until the fullness of time comes…
and we are ready to expand into a higher place of love…
Somewhere is a lover
Reaching back through time and space
True depth of soul’s reflection
…Ever written on their face
Somewhere there is a heartbeat true
As seek such mysteries
If only we could just reach though
And fulfill desires dreams…
they shape us….
remaining in their frames…
until the day we choose to reframe them…
to alter our endings…
to break open the guarded perfect square of our own framed hearts…
and maybe draw a few off-balance circles…
I found the white, square frame
The one I had given him
with the word I painted for him,
He never understood my offering,
we speak a different language
He and I.
Might as well be speaking
Klingon to a Tribble.
I reclaimed the empty frame
and filled it once again
with the word
He doesn’t understand that word either –
Of course, in all fairness,
my own understanding and definition of that word
has gone through a huge renovation
over the past couple of years as well.
I smile at the frame
glad it came back to me
for this redefining moment of my life.
In the glare of neon times,
Let our eyes not be worn
By surfaces that shine
With hunger made attractive.
That our thoughts may be true light,
Finding their way into words
Which have the weight of shadow
To hold the layers of truth.
That we never place our trust
In minds claimed by empty light,
Where one-sided certainties
Are driven by false desire.
When we look into the heart,
May our eyes have the kindness
And reverence of candlelight.
That the searching of our minds
Be equal to the oblique
Crevices and corners where
The mystery continues to dwell,
glimmering in fugitive light.
and today…5 years later…
I look at this snapshot in my mind…
from a space of newness…
from a place of breaking my own set rules…
challenging my own framed memories…
allowing my own unresolved, unabsorbed anger…
to break free into these memories…
I set about deliberately breaking frames…
my gold-plated beliefs about my memorial days…
we are each more powerful than we know…
we can each challenge the framing we have created…
we can each unplug from the grids set up for us and by us…
we can each paint new pieces of beauty into our lives…
we can each write new endings to the epic love stories we are living!
THIS MEANS ME!
[ embracing the UNFRAMED & OFF-balance.!. ❤ ]