20

 

It turns May…

It’s my month…

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Spring is bursting all around…

May Day…

{Amy re-arranged spells May}

may day

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The month of my birth…

{I’ll be 52 on the 13th}

happy

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Mother’s Day…

{some years my birthday falls on that day of celebration of motherhood}

md

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The month of my youngest daughter, Kacie’s, birth…

{She’ll be 25 on the 24th}

ka

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For my first 32 years May was…

my favored month….

so special…

I would count the days…

to my most special month of the year….

sp

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Then…

in the middle of Spring…

and birthdays…

and special days…

20 years ago…today…

{May 11, 1997}

on a hot day in Florida…

the storm of my life hit me…

and everything changed for me…

shattered

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some memorials leave long shadows…

some ugly scars never stop being sensitive to touch…

sometimes life never looks or feels the same again…

I began to count the days up to May…

with dread….

every year by March it felt like…

The-Doomsday-Clock

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The month of May became my most difficult…

most challenging…

most brutal…

{these words feel extremely understated}

31 days of the year….

year after year…

I would know May was coming….

like an inevitable zombie apocalypse…

za

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And so, in the desperation of those early moments…

Not knowing how to survive…

I know I MUST find goodness…

or else I cannot make it….

and there in those most fractured moments…

I establish the thread of my life-line…

What will become my life-blood…

the source of my hope and my strength…

I count the gifts….

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Pinterest / al513

Yes, I begin to seek the gifts to be found in every day…

and guess what????

no matter what other circumstance I found myself in….

Every single day…

I FOUND A GIFT!

Most days I found multiple gifts!!

I CHOSE TO FOCUS ON THE GIFTS!!!

year…

after…

year…

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slowly…

oh

so

very

slowly

over these past 20 years…

I begin to heal my heart…

I begin to learn all these new things…

I begin to know how to cherish and welcome what came…

I begin to love life again…

in new ways…

and now 20 years later

I welcome May

no, it’s not the same innocent, breathless sort of excitement…

but a much more powerful knowing of goodness….

a much more acknowledgement of the sweet & bitter which comes to each…

a much more breath-taking, grace giving outlook…

a much more ruthlessly-determined trusting…

a much more real-as-I-can-be gratitude…

a much more love & wisdom infused life stance…

 ❤

this year May starts with days of fog….

                       [I love fog]

also times of blue so beautiful it can’t be improved by artificial filters…

and I stand tall…

{ ok…part of that is because…I’m 5’10” ❤ }

right here…

in my own shoes…

remembering 20 years of this…

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and I write this blog post….

to celebrate this day…

this month…

this moment…

over days…

of tears and laughter…

of sadness and joy…

of leaving space and looking forward…

of sharing hope and carving new boundaries…

of being grateful I know how to appreciate everything…

yes…

everything…

from unexpected Mondays – to making the best out of every single Tuesday…

all I can say is…

LIFE IS GOOD!

and right here…

where this crazy road has brought me to…

is the best place of all….

I do not know what you will do, or what your destiny will be. I know only this: that the happiest among you will be those who have sought and found a way to serve.
                                                                                – Albert Schweitzer

 

Thank you for being a part of my adventure…

for reading my words…

for taking care of yourself…

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yup….

here’s the thing…

what’s a girl to do with all this happiness?
what sort of containers can hold this amount of wild joy?
will howling at the moon help?
or dancing in a beautiful fountain with you?
will you take a back road to see me?
tell me  I’m the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen?
will you love me?
living well doesn’t depend on it…
but wouldn’t it be nice…

to share this happiness with you
to do something wild together?

to spend some beautiful time together
on this spectacular journey?

Let’s just allow joy to flow in big puddles all around us,

do some soul dancing and some joy searching –

till we swim in the ocean of all this amazing grace!

Have I told you I love you today?

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Because, I do…

I really do!

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